Don’t let this title throw you. I’m actually a big fan of a gratitude practice - as an everyday, on-the-regular type of thing.
I have found great relief, and even moved my life forward in significant ways, through the practice of noticing and feeling into the joy, pleasure and yes—gratitude, that I feel for so many usually unnoticed gifts.
The taste of the fresh water coming out of my tap in my current home.
The buds on the flowers I planted months ago that are soon to burst into color
The fact that my legs take me up the stairs without pain.
I could go on… but that’s not the point of this essay.
Today I want to look at the sneaky ways that ‘being grateful’ is really just a code phrase for bypassing what’s really going on inside. For shrinking from the bolder truths that your body and your heart are telling you.
It often comes out like this, “I should be grateful - and I am.”
Several years ago, I sat writing out my nightly gratitudes on the bed in my friend’s guest room suite—where I’d landed after a breakup and another big move—this time back into the familiar terrain of my ‘home town’ where I’d spent most of my adulthood.
I was broke, heartbroken, and scared about what was happening in the world as I watched it all shut down in those early months of the pandemic. I now can see that my body and heart were asking me to make space for those feelings, to open up to the grief that these changes were bringing. To allow all of that ickiness to flow through me so I could access the strength to comfort the hurt, scared parts inside.
Instead of working at my computer all day and writing gratitudes at night, I was being asked to get quiet, to rest deeply, to cry.
But, I was determined to pull out of this as soon as possible. To start making some money and feel worthy again. And I wanted to be grateful. For landing in this comfortable place during a scary time, for having warmth and shelter.
So I sat on the bed, writing out all my gratitudes night after night. Pushing the fear and the grief away. Not consciously, but with a determination to count my blessings and to carry on no matter what. To be seen as strong and capable.
Looking back on this I can see I wasn’t doing myself any favors. By ‘counting my blessings’ I actually slowed my progress towards my business and life goals. I got stuck in a whirlpool of fighting off the black wave of grief that swirled way down below the surface. Forcing busy-ness, and positive thinking in a misguided belief that it would take me out of that grief.
The only way out is through.
But our protecting parts don’t know this.
The protecting parts inside of you can be useful in certain situations - but often their priority is to keep you small and compliant. These powerful protectors in your psyche might have kept you from punishment as a young child, or made sure that you got a place at the lunch table. But you don’t need that kind of protection anymore. You need the courage to look deeper than your surface blessings.
Yes - it’s a spiritual practice to notice your blessings and to actually feel into the goodness that they bring you. That’s a beautiful feeling that I highly recommend you cultivate. Authentic gratitude can be a true friend taking you through some of life’s hardest chapters.
But… manufactured gratitude? Well, that’s another thing entirely.
It can look like writing out that gratitude list each day, by rote. Because it’s supposed to make you happier. It’s supposed to make you a better person, less selfish, more selfless.
It can look like mouthing the words “I’m so grateful” when your stomach is twisting into a knot and you don’t know why.
We tell ourselves, I should be grateful, I should be happy, I need to stop having all of these pesky, troublesome thoughts. (Well, sometimes that last part is true… but other times I’m pushing away a truth that my innermost self is trying desperately to signal.)
How do you know the difference?
Well, one way is practice. It does take some discernment. The pesky, thought loops that circle around inside your brain and go nowhere… the ones that your ego keeps trying to ‘solve for’... those are usually the type that you want to consciously turn your focus away from.
Often these thoughts involve rehashing the past, or worrying about the future. My own brain loves to hone in on one unfortunate decision and then wander down rabbit holes of regret and self recrimination. If I don’t harness it in and pull myself up out of that rabbit hole, my entire mood can plummet and my vibe can negatively affect everyone around me.
But there’s another type of Knowing that’s not really a thought. It comes through from a deeper place, like a thrum in your body that arrives in your head.
It may be a discontent, a discomfort, a realization that something isn’t working in your life. Or, like in my own example above, it can be emotions we are not willing to face.
I wrote about this recently in The Long Knowing—about the gap when part of you knows something and when you’re finally ready to act on that knowing.
It’s tempting to chase that knowing away as just another ‘negative thought.’ To chastise yourself for daring to have such feelings when you live such a lucky life. To manufacture some gratitude thoughts instead.
This is your protective mechanism in action. Because following the knowing might require actions that cause others disappointment. It might mean asking for help. It means dropping the mask you’ve so carefully crafted over the years. You know, the one that keeps everyone nodding in approval.
Turning toward that knowing could mean allowing the sad, grieving parts inside you to speak up. It could require you to open up to the intensity of their feelings and allow them to flow through you and out of you.
Ugh, who wants to do THAT?!
The question is: What is it costing you to stay small now? Sure there may be rewards that have come from your avoidance. And yet, have you inadvertently constructed a golden cage from your well-meaning gratitude?
Let’s not allow our intention to notice the beauty and wonder in our lives take the place of attunement to our deepest desires.
Let’s not let being a good and grateful person cause us to miss out on the joy, the excitement that comes from jumping on the train that travels toward your goals… even if part of that ride involves confronting old griefs.
During the times when I’ve forced gratitude in lieu of listening to the knowing inside, I’ve paid a price. I see that now. It kept me circling instead of growing—like a powerful beast pacing inside of its cage. It brings to mind one of my favorite songs by Bruce Cockburn, Pacing the Cage. It’s about what it’s like to feel powerful, alive and stuck—all at the same time. Worth a listen if you can identify with this syndrome.
The world will continue to tell you to count your blessings. Particularly if you’re a woman - because it’s in the interests of the powers that be in Western Society that women remain small and focused on the minutiae of life, that we hold back on voicing any opinion that clashes with the status quo. That we stay inside that carefully-built golden cage.
So, sure—let’s revel in the pleasurable feelings of authentic gratitude for the morning birdsong, the opening of a rose, the taste of a sweet strawberry….
But I’m asking you something harder: What’s the knowing that you’ve been drowning out?
I’m a life and wellness coach who has been working with women at midlife and beyond for 14 years — and living through everything I write about. If this resonated, subscribe for more essays on reinvention, healthy aging, and the slow work of learning to trust yourself.
Thank you for naming “the times when I’ve forced gratitude in lieu of listening to the knowing inside”.
It’s this self-imposed incongruity that rubs like a cheap seam.
Thank you for sharing- the slow work of learning to trust yourself is beautiful, important work!
I've known to weaponize my gratitude as a reason that I can & should be doing more when what I really need is rest!