I consider myself to be a lifelong learner. I LOVE learning - new ideas, other cultures, different ways of thinking, how human brains and nervous systems work… I get charged up, almost high, at the opportunity to satisfy my curiosity and learn.
As I move into my 60s, though, I’ve been reflecting on what I want to UN-learn. Those societal teachings that cause me (not to mention my clients, and most everyone else) pain, shame, worry, and overall misery.
For several years I’ve been actively working to rewire my brain to UN-learn these ‘Truths’.
They are so deeply drilled into all of us - especially those born female - that they are wildly difficult to untangle and jettison from our consciousness.
There are way more than 4 societal teachings that are bogus, bullshit and worthy of the work of un-learning. Today I’m writing about the biggest bogeymen: Four beliefs that have persistently gotten in the way of my own growth and happiness and have been road blocks for my clients.
Ultimately these 4 lies - masked as universal truths in our Western Society - come down to methods of assessing the worthiness of a human being.
It’s time to ask ourselves:
Why are we basing our worthiness on these lies?
Is it possible that we are worthy just because we are here, we are human, and we are alive on the planet?
Who gets to decide whether you are worthy or not?
The Top 4 Lies Disguised as Truths.
1. My body must be small and thin to be attractive and desirable.
I am actively working on accepting and LOVING my body even when it is not at its smallest. This requires continually reminding myself that I have a cognitive bias that was formed by the male desire for girlish bodies.
This causes a thought error that says something is wrong every time I catch a glimpse of my body.
Holy Shit, this is a biggie. Ever since puberty I have judged my reflection in the mirror based on how much flab is visible. This one issue was usually the deciding factor on what outfit to wear or buy. It shaped how I felt about myself on any given day.
I write about this as if it’s all in the past, but truthfully this is a belief I am STILL rewiring, even as my body ages.
My natural inclination is to feel happier and congratulate myself if my weight is lower or I fit into a smaller pants size. It means that I’m superior to other versions of me who indulged too much or neglected to do ‘enough’ exercise.
This outlook on our bodies is wired into our DNA as women. It has been passed down from our mothers and our mother’s mothers.
Let’s face it ladies… the sickest thing about this obsession with thinness is that it is based on men who think a teenage girl’s body is sexier than a full grown woman!
Now, with the (albeit spotty) release of the Epstein files, we are seeing just how many rich and powerful men allowed a pedophile and sex trafficker to keep going - because it gave them access to these girls and young women.
I mean…. BARF!
Why the HELL are we obsessing and restricting for hours, days, months to make our bodies smaller and more childlike? Just so we get more attention from men with secret or not-so-secret pedophilic urges??
UGH. I am definitely done with that.
Reminding myself of this goes a long way towards finding self love and acceptance even while I look in the mirror at a shirt that clings a little too tightly to my muffin top.
My new learning is to love and appreciate this strong, healthy body even it wants to be bigger.
Don’t get me wrong, I still like to carry the amount of weight that feels comfortable for my frame… but I’m cool with never having a flat stomach. I refuse to suffer for the male pedophilic gaze for one more minute.
I still feel my best physically when I am moderate in my consumption. My goal nowadays is to feel as good in my body as I can. Only I know what that means with regard to what and how much to eat.
Only YOU know what that means for your body. Not some diet guru.
Mostly I am retraining my brain to know that my body will look and feel its best when I am loving it unconditionally. Full stop.
This one is so huge for most modern women, and helping women through this has been a focus of my coaching practice for years. I used to help menopausal and post-menopausal women lose weight…. And I still do that when appropriate.
Now, however, I am more lit up by helping women see themselves as the gorgeous, magnificent beings they truly are.
Because THAT is when we intuitively understand what are the ideal ways to care for this body we have been given.
2. I’ve Got to Stay Busy
Like most of you, I have fallen prey to the unspoken law in Western society: The Busier you are the Better You Are.
I learned by the example of my elders and everyone else around me that my value is measured by my productivity.
I am now noticing and naming the discomfort I feel if I don’t have a big To Do list for the day. I am actively cultivating self forgiveness and self compassion for those times when my body wants rest or my psyche needs dreamtime. For when I simply want to be a human BEING instead of a human DOING.
This includes letting go of the habit of running an evening assessment of my day that is based on how much I’ve accomplished.
It’s a work in progress.
If it was a day that did not include many external accomplishments I still feel a little depressed and down on myself.
I still have to fight the urge to push through when my body just wants to lay on the couch and read. I still have an inner critic scolding me for ‘goofing off’ when I am not rushing around ticking things off a list.
This is why I call this an UN-Learning. It may take a lifetime.
One way that I’m rewiring this myth is to congratulate myself every time I do allow myself that nap. I remind myself that a half hour spent staring at the clouds is cultivating creative insights.
I read and listen to people who teach about the transformative power of rest, like Tricia Hersey who wrote the book Rest is Resistance and founded The Nap Ministry.
3. My Net Worth Determines My Worth as a Person
Most people would say, “Of course I don’t believe that.”
But watch what they actually do.
No one wants to think they value money over humanity (at least no one I personally hang out with.) And yet, the old cliche clings - Money Talks. When someone with great wealth speaks up we all sit up and listen.
The thinking goes something like this, well if they figured out how to make all that money they must be smart.
That’s one of the reasons we ended up with an incompetent US President that is currently destabilizing the entire planet! Too many voters believed that he was a successful businessman, he was rich, so therefore he could do great things for the country.
Um, yeah….How’s that working out??
We suffer under a pervasive belief that others who have acquired more money than us are smarter and/or superior human beings.
For many of us this is not a conscious or deliberate belief. It is buried in the subconscious where it wreaks havoc in our everyday lives by causing behaviors based on self criticism, shame, and an intense desire to make enough money to be worthy.
The Un-Learning process here is about cultivating self-kindness when I notice I’m judging myself or others in matters of money.
It is gently correcting any thoughts of being ‘less than’ due to income or net worth. And gathering evidence to remind myself that more money does not equal better people.
And of course, a big piece here involves noticing the goodness I experience in my life, much of which money can’t buy. I celebrate these blessings and feel into that gratitude.
4. There is a (more) Perfect Partner out There for Me
Ah, the happily ever after myth. Those childhood fairy tales taught us that the rosiness of falling in love will last forever. They fostered the belief that there is a ‘soulmate’ or perfect match out there who will always intuitively know our needs .
The one who shares your intellectual ideas and preferences, your spiritual beliefs, who wants to watch the same movies, discuss the same books, take the same sort of vacations… maybe even do all the dishes LOL. You stand on equal footing with zero power imbalances. The one who completes you.
Okay, like the money myth, anyone who has lived more than a couple of decades knows that this starry-eyed vision of love and partnership does not live up to reality. And yet, I find myself often needing to remind that naive little girl inside that true love deepens with difference.
Thankfully I’ve done a TON of work over the last years (basically since my divorce over 10 years ago) on learning that I am the one I’ve been waiting for.
No one out there can take better care of me than I can myself. No one else can offer love and kindness in exactly the way my nervous system needs, I am the one who can do it best.
I’ve spent years now rewiring my brain and nervous system to truly feel love and compassion for ALL my parts - even the dumb, clumsy, forgetful parts. Through the long pandemic years spent single and alone I deliberately interceded when the vicious inner critic barked out, “Idiot!” or “Stupid Girl!”
I have learned it’s less important to know where those voices come from than to kindly make a correction. “It’s a human error.” or “I get to fuck up sometimes.”
By staying persistent with my intention to offer myself the love and comfort I so craved, I slowly transformed a habit of self hatred into a practice of self love.
And, like a miracle, as I learned to love and appreciate my flawed self that much more deeply - that is when I finally found a partner that could truly see me, appreciate me, love me. Of course he didn’t show up in the package I expected - that’s never how the Universe works. But, we have both been blessed with a beautiful late in life love.
That means I am now un-learning and relearning how to set my expectations, how to let go of expectations, and how to return to what really matters in love and partnership.
I am learning the skill of being partnered and yet still separate. And to cultivate the SELF love necessary for showing up for him, for myself, and for the whole world in the way I want.
I think the greatest unlearning - the one that sums them all up - is letting go of the belief I must be perfect.
We lose out on experiencing the present in the constant striving for the perfect body, perfect profession, perfect partner.
I lost so many opportunities for fulfillment and enjoyment in my younger years out of fear of being judged. I didn’t go for the audition, I didn’t stand up and tell the story, I didn’t take the risky adventure - out of fear that I would mess it up, I wouldn’t get it perfect. And then I would be ashamed and embarrassed at the results.
Now I can see - so what?
What are YOU ready to un-learn?
What do you wish you had the courage to do?
Why not now?
PS: This is my very first substack post. Yay me for clicking Post even though it’s not perfect!
If you’ve made it all the way to end - Awesome! Let’s be friends!
I’m the Hippie Grandma Feminist Life Coach. I help women midlife and beyond to feel great in the skin they’re in. It’s never too late.
Here on Substack I will be sharing stories and essays at least once a week to inspire you and point you in the direction of Ageless Radiance.
PPS: Big gratitude to my fried Gail K. the Substack queen who got me off my butt and finally writing here!
“I am the one I’ve been waiting for.” I love it, Sarah!