Are You Being Called to a Leap?

When leaving something 'good' can lead to something GREAT

Photo by Farrel Nobel on Unsplash

Yesterday I read an essay here on Substack about leaving a good man. Lin Wells wrote about leaving a 24 year marriage that everyone thought was perfect.

Lin wrote about the gaslighting and emotional abuse that no one else knew about, which finally propelled her to take the leap and file for divorce.

Her story was different than mine. Her ex-husband sounds way different than my ex.

And yet, I saw myself in that story.

I left a ‘good man’ after 22 years of marriage, 25 years together. At the time that represented half a lifetime together.

Lin’s story resonated so strongly that I immediately wrote a long comment applauding her for her courage and sharing in detail my own experiences with the “good man” I divorced, much to the shock and surprise of everyone around me.

I shared that comment as a note … but later that evening I started sweating about who might see it and tell my ex, perhaps alienating him and causing him to maybe even once again delete me from his life.

So I deleted the note instead.

But now, I’ve decided I do want to share part of my own story here. It started me on the journey that got me to where I am today. And I know now that this is a story that is shared by so many midlife women.

As I shared my one story in that comment note I felt SO much energy behind it.

As women we are trained to be grateful if we have a man who doesn’t hit us, who provides income and who is decent to the children. Gaslighting is normal and to be expected. We just have to consider ourselves lucky.

It’s time for that to change.

So, I’m taking the risk

But no, I don’t want to be deleted. I hope it won’t mean that

It hurts my daughters more than it hurts me. While my ex and I don’t see each other all that much, we are now cordial and he is willing to share the same room with me at a gathering.

It took 10 years to get there. We separated in 2012 and were divorced in 2014. Most of the ensuing years we were estranged—not by my choice.

My daughter was devastated when we split.. I had once (very stupidly) told her that if her dad and I ever split up we would always be best friends. Boy, did I get that one wrong!

Everyone wondered what happened. It DID seem like we were best friends. We threw great parties, we always looked like we were having a great time. He was a good father, a good provider, and when I had to work late nights in my store he cooked dinner for the family and even left me a plate!

The sex was even pretty good - when I was in the mood. But, like many women, I need to feel that emotional connection to warm up.

And yet…

He was only available for the good times. If I wanted to talk about anything difficult, he shut down. In our early years together I didn’t get this, something would come up and I would scream and cry, basically have a huge breakdown because I wanted to talk about it—but he wouldn’t or couldn’t.

“This is your problem,” he’d say. “I’m perfectly happy.”

And… it likely was my problem. But we never got to talk about it. Because he would just tune me out. My emotions were decidedly unwelcome in that marriage.

And so, I learned to just stuff it all in. Have another gin & tonic. Get busy with the child-raising, and the business, and all the many things adulting calls for. I stopped journaling during those years.

I mostly believed everything was fine. After all I had friends, a respected business, 2 lovely daughters, and a ‘good’ man.

I successfully hid my unhappiness from myself.

Until I couldn’t anymore. When I hit 50 it all crumbled.

That’s what midlife and menopause does. It wakes you up. And that awakening is not always pleasant.

But it always leads to growth.

I wrestled with my unhappiness for maybe 4 years before I made the leap. I tried to talk myself out of my feelings (I’d gotten very used to that by now.) It didn’t seem like I had a real reason to leave. Nothing was THAT wrong.

The kids had both left home. I wanted to explore the world. He’d lost any interest in that and wanted to be home.

So I turned that into the reason. Well, that and my discovery that he’d been involved in an emotional (not yet sexual) affair for the last year.

I left on a trial separation (after receiving a download from the Universe that it was time to move to Portland, Oregon… but that’s a story for another day.)

I packed my little Nissan Altima with whatever I could fit in there and headed north.

It took less than 50 miles to feel the shackles coming off.

In that moment I knew I was never going back. I was free! It was such an exhilarating feeling!

It was also scary.

I only had a few hundred dollars saved. I wasn’t moving for a job like sensible people do when they move 400 miles away from their community. I just had big ideas about growing an online business and doing freelance work in the meantime.

I leaned into the old adage: Leap and the net will appear.

Well… I waited and waited for that net to show up!

It turned out I had some growing up to do. And a lot grieving. I’d made the choice to leave, and yet the grief and sense of failure grew as the months passed.

I had lessons to learn about relationships and what part I play. And how and why I attract the relationships I was attracting.

It was time to confront all those emotions suppressed for the past couple of decades.

This took longer than I would have liked. Lots of experimenting. I kissed way more frogs that I would have preferred.

All worth it though! The outcome I am enjoying today has been 100% worth the struggle.

Despite all the bumps in the roads, the wrong turns, the let-downs, the financial struggle, I didn’t give up believing that what I wanted was not only possible, it was inevitable.

OK, maybe there were moments I felt like I was giving up. Afternoons spent in the fetal position after a particularly disappointing let-down, weeks of staying numb so I wouldn’t have to feel, days of doubting every choice I’d ever made.

But I always came back.

I lit a candle and prayed for guidance. I walked by the ocean or amongst the towering redwoods. I stepped outside at night, gazed at the waxing moon and vast starry skies—realizing that far greater forces are always at work than my tiny mind can comprehend.

I’d come back to knowing that Miracles are always possible, and that I wanted to make myself available for the miracle of a truly great relationship.

I also knew that the answers to our prayers usually show up looking different than how we imagine it. At least somewhat different.

I could have missed it when true love showed up in my life.

I had entered my 60’s and I was imagining someone my age or even a bit younger. He was 8 1/2 years older than me.

But if I’d learned anything by now it was that I needed to give anything with a spark of interest a chance. (That applied to any opportunity, not just potential partners.)

I chose not to listen to the litany of obstacles my brain and my protector parts kept pointing out when we went on our first couple of dates.

“Let’s just see what happens,” I’d remind myself. “There’s enough good here to explore.”

And Oh My!!

It took me 63 years to find out what it means to partner with someone who is willing to be fully present with ALL of it, the good, the bad, and the truly sublime! Someone who is actually a grownup and a fellow spiritual explorer.

It feels weird to say I am living my dream life… but the truth is I have to pinch myself every day.

If you’re still in the messy middle, if you’re still waiting to make a leap into the unknown, if you’re still waiting for your own happy ending - this is your sign that there IS hope.

It may or may not be that you need to leave a relationship like I did.

Maybe it’s a job you need to jettison, a side business or creative project you long to start, or a move to a new city.

Whatever it is, it’s freaking scary to take that first step.. Much less the full leap!!

Reinvention is scary.
And you know in your heart it is worth it.

I can’t promise it will be all ease and flow from there on out - it probably won’t be.

But the joy and self-respect you discover on the way…and the freedom on the other side is so very sweet!!

PS:

I’m a Life and Wellness coach, and I’ve been on a mission for 14 years now to unleash the RADIANCE and the BRILLIANCE of women at midlife and beyond.

I’ve learned a lot in those 14 years, and lived through what I teach and share with clients.

Follow me for stories, inspirations and ideas to take your own leap - even when you’re not sure if there’s a net - and ignite your own light in your second half of life.
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